As it's Neurodiversity Celebration Week, I wanted to share a personal story about my journey of discovering I was autistic at the age of 30.
For years, even as I worked in social care supporting children with disabilities, including autistic children, the idea that I myself might be autistic was nowhere on my radar. Like many, my understanding was shaped by stereotypes and pop culture portrayals, and what I now understand to be outdated theories of autism.
The Unexpected Spark: An Online Training
It was a chance opportunity that began to shift my perspective. When information circulated about the National Autistic Society's new online training on Autism in Women and Girls, I decided to take it. We were seeing more referrals for girls, and I felt a responsibility to be better informed.
Settling down at home with the training, I wasn't prepared for the seismic shift that was about to occur. As I listened to autistic women and girls share their experiences, a feeling of intense familiarity washed over me. It grew stronger with each video, each explanation of how the "female profile" of autism often differed from the traditional male-centric view. It felt as though my own life was being played out on the screen. Confusion mixed with a strange sense of recognition. Could this be it?
A Lifetime of Feeling Different
Throughout my life, I'd carried an inexplicable feeling of being different. It had impacted my self-esteem, fueled countless hours of self-help reading, and led me down many research rabbit holes, none of which ever quite fit. But listening to these women, a persistent thought took hold: this could be the answer I'd unknowingly been searching for.
It felt like a meteor had crashed into my understanding of myself. Panic and confusion warred with a desperate hope. Could this diagnosis be the key to understanding myself better? Yet, fear lingered – was I just grasping at an explanation?
The Secret Journey of Discovery
I knew I needed to learn more, but I felt a strange reluctance to share my suspicions. What if I was wrong? What would people think, especially given my profession? So, I embarked on a secret journey of discovery, devouring books, articles, and videos, always under the guise of "work research" if anyone inquired.
The more I learned, particularly about how autism can present in women, the more pieces clicked into place. It was like reading fragments of my own life story. The feeling of "this is it" grew stronger, pushing me to consider seeking a professional diagnosis.
Navigating the Diagnostic Process
Researching the diagnostic process in the UK was eye-opening. I learned about the long NHS waiting lists and the disheartening accounts of women being dismissed due to outdated stereotypes. While self-diagnosis is valid for many, I felt a deep need for professional validation. My employment at the time meant I was in the fortunate position that I could explore private assessment. I carefully researched professionals with experience diagnosing women before choosing a local provider.
Preparing for the assessment involved a deep dive into my past. I revisited information about autistic traits in women, using them as prompts to recall and document relevant experiences. I meticulously answered a detailed questionnaire, and my mother, after completing an early years questionnaire, reflected that I had indeed been quite different as a child.
The Day of Confirmation
The day of the face-to-face assessment was fraught with travel mishaps, leaving me flustered and late. Yet, the assessor's calm and kind demeanor immediately put me somewhat at ease. His own experience as an autistic person created a sense of shared understanding. When he told me, with certainty, that I met the criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder, a wave of relief washed over me. It wasn't that there was something wrong with me; I was simply comparing myself to the wrong people.
The Emotional Aftermath and Growth
The diagnosis was just the beginning. The following year was a rollercoaster of emotions: relief at finally understanding myself, a period of mourning for the "what ifs," anger at a system that missed it, a powerful urge to connect with other autistic individuals online and in person, and eventually, a feeling of being lost as I tried to unravel years of masking.
However, as time has passed, I've found myself in a more positive place. I've allowed myself time to heal and process, deepened my knowledge about autism, and gained a much better understanding of my own unique profile. I've learned to advocate for my needs, prioritise my well-being, and embrace who I am.
Looking Back and Moving Forward
My journey to understanding my neurodiversity at 30 was unexpected but ultimately transformative. It's a journey that continues, but one that has led to greater self-acceptance and a sense of belonging I never thought possible. If you are on a similar path of questioning, know that your journey is valid, and there is a wealth of understanding to be gained.
